You are my life
by Ellstra
Summary: Spock shows Jim what he feels for him. Mind meld fic, fluffiness, pre-slash Spock/Kirk.


_**Fluffy, mind-meld fic for you, guys. :) Happy Spirk day everyone. :)**_

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„Spock? Can I come in?" Jim trembled in anticipation and his bright blue eyes shone enough to light up the dark corridor. Spock put aside a PADD he was holding and stood up to reply to his Captain.

„May I inquire why you still ask this question when you always enter even when I say no?" He asked and smiled. He wasn't at all as upset as he sounded and Jim knew it. They both enjoyed their game of pretending they didn't want to spend every waking moment in the latter's company.

„I like when you actually say yes," Jim smirked. Spock nodded to himself as if it proved some of his theories concerning his Captain. He let the door swoosh open to reveal Kirk with such a broad smile Spock feared his face might tear into pieces.

„Hello, darling," he cooed and threw his arms around Spock. The Vulcan closed the door to his quarters before Jim dragged him farther inside. They reached the table and Jim pushed Spock against it.

„I had a shitty day. That Klingon guy is a real pain in the ass, you know and he hates me because I beat him every time we meet. I'm just getting tired of him." Jim mumbled against Spock's shoulder. He looked up to see his face.

„I believe you want me to distract you." Spock said and wrapped his arms around Jim's waist. The Captain looked at him and smirked, his eyes shone with some deep hidden idea. He put a finger under Spock's chin.

„I should have known it's so easy to get you to hug me." He grimaced.

„And it is even easier to make me kiss you." Spock surprised Kirk when he brushed their lips together. Jim was startled for some time but he responded in kind. Their hot tongues met each other roughly and Jim's impatient hands were trying to discover Spock's whole body. The Vulcan showed a little bit more restraint, but it wasn't the usual level of it.

Spock raised Jim into the air and laid him on the table. Jim's back hit the desk and he smirked before he pulled the Vulcan onto himself and pressed another passionate kiss on his lips. Spock growled and put his hands on Jim's hips and pressed them down as the Captain tried to get closer to him. Kirk whined and tried to pull Spock closer; he was too weak to fight the Vulcan strength though. He bit Spock's lip and groaned.

„Spock, please, I need to feel in charge of things. For once," Jim murmured into Spock's mouth and the Vulcan immediately let go of him. Kirk smiled gratefully and kissed Spock gently.

„I'd like to take it gently today. You know, romantically." He whispered and his cheeks reddened but he hoped Spock would consider it a passion flush, not an embarassed one.

„I see." Spock said and placed a little kiss on Jim's forehead. The Captain smiled for himself when he saw how his Vulcan changed. And it was even better because he knew Spock was changing for him. If Jim needed a hot, quick sex, Spock was rough and unforgiving, but if he needed to curl in his arms and just silently sleep, Spock would hold him for long hours and whisper sweet nothings into his ear if he had a nightmare.

„Are you… are you disappointed, love?" Jim asked sheepishly and looked into Spock's deep chocolate eyes. The Vulcan gave him a smile – a real one he had only for Jim.

„No, Jim, I am not. I only assumed you would want to – and now I am quoting you – fuck the shit out of me – because you are always slightly… agressive when you are angry." Spock answered and intertwinned his fingers with Jim's. Kirk smirked when he heard his First say the phrase ‚fuck the shit out of me' and for a while he was silent and only watched their joined hands.

„Well, that's true, I can't deny that." He chuckled nervously. „And you know I'm sorry for it. But today I'm not angry, I'm upset, sad and tired. I want to make love to you, Spock." Jim's incredible eyes were fixed on Spock and the Vulcan knew that if Jim told him to die he would. He was mesmerised by the Captain, but he wasn't going to admit it.

„I shall do whatever you wish me to, Jim." Spock whispered and began planting small kisses on Jim's jawbone. The Captain closed his eyes and let out a moan of pure pleasure.

„I don't know what I would do without you, Spock." He murmured and he felt his heart beat rapidly in his chest, as well as Spock's that was beating strong and fast. He was still realising that Spock's heart was on a strange place, but he didn't think about it much. He was simply used to it and he loved every little bit that made Spock unique.

„You do not have to think about that. I will always be by your side." Spock pulled Jim up and took him into his arms gently. Jim let the Vulcan carry him to the bed before he replied. He wanted Spock to see his eyes when he said what he wanted to say. He was used to being carried by Spock, the situations were various, but the Vulcan was always so gentle with him as if he was made of glass. At first it had annoyed him, but afterwards he had understood Spock didn't think he was fragile or feeble, he simply wanted to show Jim how much he cared for him. Mostly.

Spock laid Jim onto his bed and folded his body beside Kirk. They kissed once again and Jim pulled the Vulcan closer. He rolled over and Spock obediently laid on his back while Jim placed himself on his lover's waiting body. Jim pulled away for an inch and looked deeply into Spock's eyes.

„I love you," Jim whispered and his heart was beating faster than he thought was possible. The Vulcan was watching him only for a while before he placed his fingers on Jim's psi-points and asked a silent question with his sight. Jim nodded slightly.

‚_How the hell did that kid beat your test?'_

‚_I do not know.'_

_Curiosity, shock, impression. Hurt pride, wish to find out more. _

‚_The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death. To accept that fear and to maintain control of oneself and one's crew. That is a quality expected in every Starfleet Captain.'_

_Desperate desire to know more. Dangerous curiosity. And you will be a Captain once. I believe it._

‚_What is it like not to feel anger... or heartbreak... or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman who gave birth to you?'_

_Pain, terrible pain from within, the feeling of being torn apart by the one last person that kept me together. By you. Guilt, anger, blind fury, hatred. _

‚_Spock. It'll work.'_

_Those sparkling eyes. So easy to give up to them. Easier than falling asleep. The blinding urge to believe them. Those mesmerising eyes…_

‚_Spock, we're talking about your life!'_

_Affection, happiness in darkness. The feeling of being loved, the pain of having to refuse the helping hand. _

‚_The fact is…I'm gonna miss you.'_

_Confusion. Warm feeling of not being alone. Fear of not replying correctly, regret when it's too late to answer._

‚_You mistake my choice not to feel as a reflection of my not caring, while I assure you the truth is precisely the opposite.'_

_Answer to her, but it wasn't meant for her. It was meant for you it always has been you, I beg you for forgiveness._

‚_The Enterprise and her crew needs someone on that chair who knows what he's doing. That's not me. It's you Spock.' _

_Such confusisuch fear. Love for you, the fear of losing you, the happiness when you tell me you rely on me. The feeling of a person who sends his beloved into a dangerous situation but is proud anyway._

‚_I'm scared, Spock. Help me not to be.' Your beautiful eyes, normally full of life, now overflowing with pain. And yet so irresistible. ‚How do you choose not to feel?'_

_Pure, genuine love for you. Terrible pain of seeing you suffer. And on top, your question which I cannot answer without emotions._

‚_I do not know. Right now I am failing.' _

_One single tear escaping my eyes, balancing on the tips of my eyelashes, falling down. Torment of seeing the agony behind your eyes, your futile effort to hide your anguish._

_Raw hatred towards the man who took you away from me, blind fury, the pleasure of smashing his handsome face, the amazing feeling of beating him, the appeasing sound when he groans in pain-_

‚_He's the only chance to save Kirk!'_

_Save? Hands go limp, heart skips a beat, I can't breathe. Save Kirk. Save you. Hope so strong I don't dare to feel it._

‚_You saved my life.'_

_Your amazement. Feeling of being upset when you didn't think I'd save you. Joy of seeing you alive. Love._

‚_Spock, you are special to me. You are more than just a member of a crew. You're more than just a First Officer. You're even more than just a friend.' _

_The anxiety in your eyes. The blush in your cheeks. The trembling of your hands you desperately tried to hide. I remember every single bit of it even though every thing is covered with a mist of excessive amount of happiness I felt._

‚_I love you.'_

_It came unexpected. I wasn't prepared to hear these words from you, I wasn't prepared to receive the message. But you didn't mind. You waited for me and I am measurably grateful for that._

„_I love you, Jim. I hope you understand it now. How much you mean, how much you have always meant."_

„_I do, Spock." _

The Vulcan pulled away and Jim gasped. They laid in a tight embrace and they both felt strong emotions within them; Jim was crying shamelessly. He knew what a mind meld could cause, but it had never been so strong before.

„I am sorry for hurting you, Jim. I felt it necessary to show it to you." Spock whispered into Jim's ear and kissed both his cheeks to soothe him.

„I don't mind. Actually I'm quite happy to feel it too." Jim tried to smile, but he had to sniff. Spock wiped his tears away with his thumb.

„I was afraid the strength of my emotions would harm you." Spock said with relief in his voice. The Captain smirked.

„You'd have to feel much more love for me to move me, Spock." He chuckled, even though he still sounded a bit shaky.

„I do not think so, Captain. It has made you cry." The Vulcan was slightly confused.

„That was just to show you how much I care for you. I wanted to show you how impressed I am by your feelings." Jim's smile disappeared as he looked into Spock's eyes. They both knew it was a lie – the tears were as real as their bodies pressed against each other.

„I understand, Jim." Spock whispered and captured Jim's lips with his.


End file.
